Man, this year with politics has really broken a lot of relationships around me that i've seen. Personally, i think i've, for the first time, come to understand a huge difference between the 'conversatives' and the 'liberals'. I never quite paid as much attention to all of that stuff until this last election year and seeing the huge divide and differences among & between these parties. I'm actually finding myself for the first time having an issue with republicans based on what they stand for as a whole. I'm even not liking or investing in certain people because they don't 'have my back'. I dunno. I'm still obviously working thru that.
This weight that i've put on since this disc issue in my neck is really getting to me too. I can't go out anywhere because i can't fit into any clothes except for shorts that i have. I really don't want to go investing in new pants/ jeans since i don't plan on staying this way long after i get well enough to work out again. And with the physical therapy i've been doing lately, the pain seems to be coming back more. I'm not sure if it's because the rest of my body is being adjusted and so the actual problem area is showing itself because there's nothing else to mask it anymore. Just last month, i was at least able to do some form of the insanity workout and jump and do things with my arms with cardio and it didn't hurt as bad, but now, just any position i'm in is hurting. I just want to be over this.
Last night, I went and met up with a guy i have always seen from a distance here, never knew him in person, but as of late, with my move back to Seattle, he said hey to me on bbrt and we've exchanged a few chats. Went over to his place to hang out, something i probably shouldn't have done because i flaked on someone else since he was working late and by the time i regretted it, there was really no taking it back and trying to have a good night with that. Anyway, just seeing someone that looks hotter than you and you know you're not, and you're trying not to give out the energy that you'd love him to fuck you and make out or something and you're just there to be a friend. Cuddling was on the agenda but i wasn't expecting it and it didn't happen, so i'm glad i wasn't disappointed from that. I was apprehensive to begin with to go there. I'm sure we won't talk again. But as much as i say i won't let it bother me, it does. I feel just unattractive right now. And it somewhat depresses me my plight at the moment. I just can't do a thing about it until i'm fixed. I'm a little apprehensive to meet anyone at all now. Even the 24 year old that keeps saying i have 'cute' in my favor and shit. I'm getting tired of hearing those words from people online. I don't ever say that. I just always tell them they have nice pics. Keeping that distance never gets me anywhere and putting too much into it doesn't either, so where's the happy medium?
I did meet a guy this last week, had some great sex and hoping to keep that up as a regular. I still have to see Christopher too and i will i guess.
I just worked a late night, a fucking 12 hour day. I'm beat but part of me doesn't want to go to bed, but i'm tired. I know i won't want to wake up in the morning. It's supposed to be raining all weekend. I'm excited about that. I'm just really re-thinking my move up here, but it has to be this way for a while. I just hope i'm somewhat back to normal by January to move out of here again. I miss having a place of my own. This place doesn't feel like home as it did last time i lived here.
